“I obliterated my Xbox today when I lost my footing.”

“Found this in the washing machine in my building.”

“I may or may not have mistaken this for toothpaste this morning...”

“Had a party and someone took a bite out of a fake apple.”

“The diamond in my ring fell out today. It came with a 10-year workmanship guarantee. Yesterday was our tenth wedding anniversary.”

“When you’re only half awake and pack raw bacon in your lunch instead of the leftover pizza”

“I did not look closely enough at that label.”

“Washed my measuring cup and all the lines and numbers came off.”

“These cookies at my local gas station for sale...”

“I got my haircut from my mom who, hours earlier, said she went to the eye doctor and wasn’t sure if she could see properly to do it.”

“What’s left of the chopping board I melted after preheating the oven”

“Got my lunch stolen.”

“Was woodworking a ring and checked the size. Now it isn’t coming off.”

“Just bought a Zelda Game & Watch and put it in my back pocket.”

“How in the world did I lose a square?”

“Paid a local friend to patch broken concrete. This is the end result.”

“Thought the clock on my microwave was glitching, turns out there is a cockroach stuck in it.”

“These pizzas were $30... and they charged me $3 for a ‘service fee’ for calling it in and picking it up.”

“My job e-test took 1 hour for this part.”

“Got off the train at the wrong station.”

“My husband tried to apologize by making me a candlelit bath. The glass container was a little too spicy for the plastic bathtub.”

“Found a label in my burger.”

“My wife tried to clean my cast iron. How much alimony should I get?”

“A friend lost his wallet earlier this week — found it today magnetized to his car.”

“Spent 2 weeks 3D printing and painting this motorized iron man helmet for Halloween.”

“I melted my son’s toothbrush...”

“Literally my first day on the job and I shattered a customer’s window.”

“My wife said, ’I’m going as Belle, get the matching costume.’ I didn’t understand the assignment.”

“Asked my boyfriend to order paper towels and toilet paper. He ordered them and commented about how expensive they were.”

“Spaghetti and garlic bread, but I forgot I was making garlic bread.”

“Was fixing my kid’s toy and not paying attention to where the excess super glue was going...”

“I was boiling the egg but forgot to turn off the stove.”

“Fell asleep while heating up some mac and cheese.”

“Got my rain boots from the garage in anticipation of today’s heavy rain. Forgot to bring them inside last night.”

“Some murderers like to return to the scene of the crime.”

“Spilled water on my keyboard, so I set it up in front of a heater to dry...”

“My sister ordered this from Amazon. The snack cups were labeled ’dishwasher friendly.’ But a plunger with paper hats was what got delivered.”

“My 5-year-old niece decided to rearrange the items on the family fridge.”

“Came home from vacation to find that my cactus had given up on life.”

“Got my ’Magneto’ helmet from Amazon.”

“The fly that I’ve been trying to swat for half a day decided to take a little break.”

“The mirror in my hotel bathroom has an anti-fog section. Unfortunately, I’m 5’2”."

“Visited St. Louis for the first time and was told I had to see the famous Gateway Arch.”

“Literally my first day on the job, and I shattered a customer’s window.”